Chenta Monyet

monkey love? cinta monyet?

OMG, i cant believe momma said dat to me. its not dat im angry, sad or wat.. its just im speechless. I cant believe im still experiencing this kind of love whereas I am older enough for it. This make me reflects myself. I think I know why mom said dat.. maybe she was afraid I hurt myself again or hurting other people’s heart AGAIN! haha, dat was certainly not my intention..  and she said that boy was too young for me (hakikatnye die lg tua), and wat she meant was his matured-ness!

But, this boyy I just knew is a good boy. A boy who wants to improve himself and be a good muslim. I know he seems like an ordinary people, but he deserve a chance. Yes, its true! But momma said, just be friends and dont involve your emotion into this. Tutup pintu ilmu nanti..! seriously takut ye bila dgr mama ckp cmtu, tp I am controlling it. My friends are helping me to control this emotion, me myself dont want this stupid feeling that make false promises to blind me. I read this one book, the authr mention that marriage or love is not about expecting high on our partner. Marriage/ love is about giving. Giving the knowledge, lending our hand for help, sharing what we have. I was amazed with the words. Deep down inside, I strongly agree with the author. 

I am trying my best too improve myself. To be a good daughter, a responsible student and most important is to be an obedient slave of God. I want to be a person who can give what I have when marriage has come to me. This “boy” might be a mediocre people but I believe he can change to be someone better than me. Maybe it would take a long time, but I pray he will sooner. 

Help me to control this feeling. I will follow what momma said. I will leave everything to God and kept this feeling in my secret treasure box. when the time has come, that “person” will unlock my treasure box

so for now, lets be friends. A good friend indeed..

“Life’s truest happiness is found in friendship we make along the way”

Ramadhan al-mubarak

Ramadhan has come. I am so excited for it. I pledge to change myself to be a better person. Change what is bad and improve more and more. On the first ramadhan, I told my mom I want to change. I am willing to be a better person and find the blessing of God. Suddenly she kissed me! I was surprised, she told me how happy she is. Now i wonder, am I too naughty or always makes her worry? But at the same time Im glad I’ve make her happy and smile. 

Ya Allah, in the month of ramdhan.. I pay that all the Muslims in this world will be blessed by You and let us race in doing good deeds in this month, iAllah…

                                      

last day of hols!!

OH gosh, cant believe holidays just about to end…i had a great hols!

1. London

 

Big Ben

 

 

2. did my CVS short sems( argh!! im not goin to comment anything bout dis, i’ll jz pray that sooner i will know the “hikmah” behind all that happen.

3. Spending lots of time with my bestfriends(nysa,iefiz) and the good frenz too (pink,sya,farul and Aman)

 

bowling at ampang point

 

 

4. Photo shoot jadi JOKER ( seyez best giler)

 

why so serious??

 

 

5. Went to Teluk Kemang PD ^.^

 

the vacationers

 

 

6. Lots of other great stuff

Tomorrow my first 2nd year class will starts. Oh Lord, I beg for mercy..Pls give me strength,pls pls.. cuak gak sbnrnyer nak msk 2nd year ni..But I will try my best on it,iAllah. Lets talk bout the holiday first,hehe.. Like i said,there’s lots of great stuff i did. ANd the people who i spend my time with during the hols are the best ever!! I love all of them!! I really cherish this so called “Memory Lane” of mine. Thinking bout later on my bestfriend, Anisah will be leaving to Egypt with my brother to further her study in Medicine just tear my heart apart. Im not sure how i will cope with all this things without her by my side. True, i got my Mum and lots of other good friends..but u know,things wont be the same again without her beside me. thats why this hols mean alot to me. Hanging around with her,just makes me smile. And the new person that just enter my life  

Looking back at all the pictures taken makes me smile widely. Im happy, yes im happy! thanks alot God! thanx fr giving me this opportunity, thanx fr giving me them as my good friends and thanx for everything God..honestly, i would like to describe more bout this “new person” who i had a huge crush on but naaah..nevermind,i dont think im good at expressing my feelings thru writing *blush blush*

I think i should get myself ready for my class. Enough of hols, i guess… I had lots of memories to be kept and i hope i can create more with the people i Love. Im Happy, ohh i just love this word! im Happy!! thanx guys

 

gumbira

 

senyum slalu

 

 

 

xoxo,ANB

p/s :there’s lots of songs i love during this hols, but the most special one is from Michael Buble; LOST (reminds me of him,lalalala)

LONDON

 

i love him!

One month passes already, and only now i get the opportunity to write it out.. sighhh..

 

 

Anyway, i really enjoyed my stay there!! it was a great holiday, full of happiness and sakit kaki,haha..giler penat jalan from one spot to the other.. believe me, if it wasn’t london i would never walk like that.. well, in Msia the weather was hot whereas at London,it was windy and quite cold during the night. But dont be deceived by the windy weather, the sun stills burn my face!! gosh,im so tanned now!! and surprisingly, i kindda eat alot over there!!! cause busu Ilah’s cooking was not that bad at all!! sedap la gak so i end up, blk2 msia gemok!! dah la gemok hitam plak muka,hahaha..mcm g hawaii..

i just dont care bout dat anymore,as long as im happy wif my holiday!!! but honestly, 2 weeks were not enough!!! nak g London blk pls pls..nak cuti, x nk tggal sana for real though.. duit sana sgt best and da shopping spree jgn ckp la!! mmg syurga dunia.. dats wat my mom dont like about London and been telling me too.. ” you can go to London for holiday but dont stay there too long, there’s no Azan, no Jema’ah, no Islamic classes around the neighborhood and etc etc”, which is so TRUE!! moreover, i still feel that im not strong enough to handle all sorts of “dugaan dunia”!! seriously,im not!! kecewakan? mmg sedih,tp itulah hakikatnya.. 

There are lots of things i learn from my holiday there. My eyes are open wide with the culture at London, the arabs muslim which in my opinion does not really practice Islamic value, even the Malay people living at London or are having holiday just like me was quiet sombong. Most of them didnt even smile at me. I was quite upset with some of the Malaysian as I was traveling alone all the time. Ha, one more thing. I was proud with myself too, though i was traveling alone, i knew God was with me.. i didnt get lost at all

there are other niat i went to London, to find “someone”..hehe, but i guess dat particular  someone was not from London kot, cz back in Malaysia.. i found one (hehe, lets save da story for the next entry).. and there’s other Niat too. which is too forget my pass so call Love life and move on!! i guess I did it!! but if im the only one who can forget bout the past and move on but the other side is still clinging, this wont work out kan!! marah ni, bcz its my life and i wont be disturbed by this stupid emotional thingy.. i know its hard but move on la, im bored already!! yes im being MEAN! so what.. im leaving,buhbye!! 

what makes it a great holiday was my bestfriend, Anisah is coming to London on my last week there. Actually, the plan was both of us will be on the same flight, but suddenly her exam schedule got mixed up and she cant make it with me. That’s why i was traveling alone first, and later i met her. Yes, we had lots of fun. Lg2 kat Brighton Beach. Mana x sun-burn muka,hehe.. but it was worth it, everything was worth it. Im so thankful to God for granting me the best ever dad on earth, tanx dad.. im proud to be ur daughter..cant u see im bringing ur name everywhere i go…

 

Lastly, i seriously nak pegi London lg!! and i rily enjoyed my stay there..Lots of fun and leaving my emo-guilty feeling left there was worth it. Now, im back in Msia, yes i miss london but this is where i belong..Malaysia,my home sweet home..

 

i love him!

a friend.

I knew him for quiet a long time, more than 5 years maybe.

We never meet each other, never even make a plan to meet each other. We are good as we are now. Talk when both of us are online. He would call me during festival time or SMS me once in awhile. It’s fine with me. I used to share alot of problems with him, and like always he would always make me feel better. There are times where I ignore him when he wants to make a conversation sbb malas nk layan. But that is seldom laar.

After SPM, we get really close. We chat everyday. Sharing thoughts and problems. He’s a good friend of mine. Last time he gave me a song he sang; ” Dancing in the moonlight”. His voice was amazing. Unfortunately, I lost that music file. But last weekend, he ask me if I like any song. I ask why and he replied he wants to play the music and sang it to me. I gave him a list of songs and he promise me to practice that songs. Later that night, he  send me one file. Not one of the list i gave, but he sang a song I used to like ; Beautiful Girl.

His voice was good. I love to hear it. Everyday I listen to the song he sang. I wish he could record one full song instead of just one “rangkap”. So far he has been a very good friend to me. I think I will let it be this way. No need to meet or etc.

Thank you for everything. I really appreciate you as a friend of mine.

You’re way too beautiful girl
That’s why it’ll never work
You’ll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it’s over
Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do your dirt
They’ll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it’s over

*wink wink*

.unappreciated.

Biar sahaja diri ini sendirian

aku pelik,

mengapa aku seperti orang di awangan,

sungguh aku jarang berperasaan begini,

perasaan tidak dihargai,

mungkinkah ini karma?

abaikan!

tetapi..

mengapakah perasaan ini masih ada?

aku cuba endahkan, cuba sedaya upaya.

dan aku tahu aku mampu.

biarkan sahaja dia tak hargai.

tapi aku tetap aku..

akan cuba menghargai semua kurnian Tuhan.

” Paling penting dalam hidup bukanlah perhatian dari manusia,

perhatian dari Tuhan itu yang paling utama”

unnoticed

18/05/08′

Today is the big day for Kak Ieja, my cousin sister. Anyway, i think everything went well. Agak penat disitu but its okay bukan selalu.. Mostly, my aunties were saying when will be my turn plak? haha,wateva laa.. when Im ready, the time will come ryte?

Early this morning, I was wondering will he be there? My cousin’s fren and my ex- neighbor  at Setiawangsa. Since Ive chated with him last week so I thought he would recognize me, at least..

But..it was just a thought! haha..

Its funny when I saw him and tried to get his attention, erm.. I mean at least look and smile. But none.. He dont even NOTICE me,gosh! It certainly feels bad, maaan..

Agak kebengangan di situ but watevaa laa..

I just dont care, coz thinking bout it back makes me feel stupid.

“To be ignorant of one’s ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.”

Mother’s Day

Yesterday is a Mother’s day. I was not in a good mood this weekend.

This is all my fault, which i blame it on others to take the fault. The worst part is, i put my anger on my mum. How derhaka i am, like Afiq said. The words really stabbed me. Coming from him makes me feel ashame. I should knew that from the very beginning. Yes, I knew it but I ignore my faith about the Heaven is under a Mother’s feet. I was carried away with my emotional without thinking on how my mom will feel. I just dont care at that time. I was to angry. Satan has overpowered my emotional and ego.

Mother,

I never had any niat to do that. I was so angry. I am in a stress mood this weekend. I dont want to tell u how stress I am with my performance in class, my results which is dropping one by one. I dont want u to be worried about me but mother..who else should i share my problems besides u? U’re the most trusted and understanding person in my life.

Mother,

Remember when I replied rudely when u didnt give me the permission to go to Cherating? You said I was running away form my problems, like I used to. Yes, I am. I replied. Because its too hard for me to let others knowing me, understanding my problems. I just need my own time, my own space to settle it all alone. You said I was wrong, but at that moment I just cant accept any blame. I need someone to comfort me, someone to be with me. You’re all leaving me alone at house. Thinking back, maybe dad thought I was tired. Its wrong, the most important thing I wanna do is be with all of you, my family. Yes, we had a miscommunication. There’s too much maybe and probability without confronting it to each other. This is the result, I am mad on my own.

Mother,

You knew how stress I am with my previous relationship. You said it was a test from God. Do you know, I only tell you my true feelings? How I felt after this broke up. No one knew. My expectation was high. Yes, you comfort me well enough when we had lunch at KLCC. But mother, I want more. I dont have anybody to talk to except you. Yes, i was jealous with the other siblings when they get the attention more than you gave to me. I tried to “mengalah”. I know, im the eldest. You and daddy had give the fullest attention to me, I cant deny that. Maybe, because ive been getting the more than enough attention before and I tend to want the same or more attention from u guys. Which now i realize its wrong. I should be independent. Afiq told me, you dah besar byha, act like one. Syafiq also mention that no matter what, I should not act like dis to my mother. I regret it mother, I am.

Mother, I love you alot. Please Forgive me. But I just need time to forgive myself back. I am grateful that God has given you as my mum. A patient mum and indeed the most understandable mom. You’re my mother and bestfriend.

Happy Mothers day, MAMA.

Lots of luv,

ur daughter <3

ekspresi

Rabu, 9 april, 2008

Penuh dgn bermacam-macam emosi. Tenang ada, marah ada, penat ada, malas ada, blurr ada dan etc etc etc. Dari semalam lagi, ku bermonolg sendirian ” aku penat, aku letih dgn tanggungjawab”. Tapi adakah aku punya pilihan samada mahu lakukan atau tidak. tidak sama sekali. This is the responsibility i have to hold. Bukan sekadar pegang malah aku harus laksanakan. setiap hari aku sentiasa rasa bersalah kerana tidak menjaga sepenuhnya amanahku sebagai hamlatul Qur’an. aku lemah. aku sentiasa dibawa arus dan dipukul ombak lalu hanyut ke sisiran pantai. aku perlukan seseorang untuk membimbing ku. Bukan kataku ibubapa ku tidak cukup, bukan sama sekali. hanya, aku yg jahil. aku yg sentiasa degil. ingkar akan nasihat ibu mahupon ayanda.

Aku anak sulong. Ini adalah lagi satu tanggungjawab besar yang aku pikul. menjaga adik2 dan memberi contoh yg baik. kadang kala aku sentiasa terlepas cakap dan kata2 itu penah sekali memakan diriku. DUA TAHUN adikku tak mahu bertegur dgn ku. Alhamdulillah, kini dia sudah mula membuka ruang komunikasi antara kami. Itu satu nikmat yg aku bersyukur teramat. betul kata pujangga ” Air dicincang tak akan putus”. Ini adalah Amanah aku yg kadang kadang buatku beban tapi aku pasrah.

Sehari dua banyak buatku berfikir akan tanggungjawab. aku sentiasa mengomel bila disuruh oleh ibuku untuk mengambil adik di sekolah, tolong photostat kan surat2 adikku, membeli makanan, jaga adik2 dan lain lain. kadang kadang aku rasa letih. tapi kerana aku anak sulong aku terima. memikirkan ketika kecil dahulu, ibubapa ku yang lakukan semua ini dan sekarang tiba masa aku mengambil alih tugas mereka. aku sedar, ini hanyalah sedikit jika nak dibandingkan apa yg mereka lakukan. oleh itu aku akur dgn nasibku. Petang tadi, setalah pulang ke rumah aku jumpa sepucuk surat untukku. daripada seseorang yg terlalu meminati ku walaupon telah ku katakan aku tidak suka padanya. aku meluat melihat tulisannya lalu aku bakar. aku tidak kejam! dia yg kejam sentiasa menyeksa dirinya sendiri. telah berulang ulang kali ku katakan hidup harus ke depan. Bunga bukan sekuntum tapi dia tetap berdegil. aku pohon ya Allah satu hari tutuplah hatinya dari ku, bukakan untuk seseorang yg layak bgnya. aku bukan kejam kerna suka melihat org tergila2 kn ku. aku kasihan! Setelah itu, aku naik ke kamar lantas mengambil sejambak bunga mawar yg sudah layu di atas meja ku dan membuangnya. aku mahu ke depan dan hilangkn rasa bersalahku terhadap Baem. aku juga pasti dia mahuku lakukan begitu. Aku letih dgn perasaan bersalah ini. aku mahu lepas dr segala perasaan yg menggangu hidup ku. cukup la Respiratory system’s Block aku jatuh dgn teruknya. Lepas cuti, aku berazam akan perbaiki keputusan aku. ada 2 block lagi dan aku takkan putus asa. Pergilah semua rasa bersalah dan penat. bangunlah! ini hidupmu, daripada meng-komplen alangkah bagusnya jika maju ke

hadapan!!

“I am tired of responsibilities but I will never abandon it”

berakhir juga

Dis post was created on March 30,2008 taken from my previous blog.

Akhirnya, ia berakhir.

Antara aku dan dia.

Ini yg ku minta dan ia akhirnya menjadi kenyataan. aku pasrah, aku redha. aku dan dia belum sampai jodoh lagi atau mungkin kami mmg tidak pernah ada jodoh. Benar, jodoh memang di tangan Tuhan tapi adalah tanggungjawab kita samada mahu memilih atau tidak. Semalam aku mengambil keputusan untuk tidak memilihnya.

Mengapa?

Kerana aku belum bersedia untuk memberi sebarang komitmen. aku masih lagi mementingkan diri sendiri dan aku tidak tahan melihat dia terseksa melayan perasaan seorang diri. aku sudah puas berasa kejam. aku mahukan dia bahagia dengan hidupnya yang mungkin akan lebih baik setelah aku pergi dari hidupnya. aku mahukan kebahagian untuk dia. aku harap dia akan ketemu seorang yg boleh bersama2 menjalani kehidupan penuh tarbiyah bersamanya kelak.

Adakah aku menyesal?

Tidak, aku tidak menyesal akan perbuatan ku melepaskan seorang yg hampir sempurna sifat sebagai seorang muslim soleh. He deserve someone better than me. someone who treat him well. dan aku? biarlah aku sendirian buat seketika. Aku percaya pada kata2 Tuhan, manusia dijadikan berpasangan. org baik adalah utk org yg baik shj. mungkin ini adalah opportunity utk aku menjadi seorang yg lebih baik lagi, amiin.

Semua dlm kenangan.

Walaupun banyak kenagan pahit dan manis antara aku dan dia. tapi percayalah, akan ku simpan segala kenangan manis. I will always remember all the good things bout u. kamu adalah seorang yg baik dan aku tidak patut melayan kamu sebegitu. tapi, aku hanyalah manusia yg mempunyai perasaan juga. maafkan aku, i mean it.

Ingkar

Disaat cinta tercipta
Semestinya ku merasa
Dikala hasrat mendalam
Semestinya ku ???

Dari hati kini kusadari
Tak semestinya kuberkasih
Jika hati tak dapat berbagi
Baiknya rasa itu tersimpan dalam
Semestinya aku mencinta
Seharusnya aku menyayang
Oh maafkan jika semua ini yang kuberikan
Untukmu

Dari hati kini kusadari
Tak semestinya kuberkasih
Jika hati tak dapat berbagi
Baiknya rasa itu tersimpan dalam

Dari hati kini kusadari
Tak semestinya kuberkasih

” Sometimes things happen without a reason that we know”