a friend.

I knew him for quiet a long time, more than 5 years maybe.

We never meet each other, never even make a plan to meet each other. We are good as we are now. Talk when both of us are online. He would call me during festival time or SMS me once in awhile. It’s fine with me. I used to share alot of problems with him, and like always he would always make me feel better. There are times where I ignore him when he wants to make a conversation sbb malas nk layan. But that is seldom laar.

After SPM, we get really close. We chat everyday. Sharing thoughts and problems. He’s a good friend of mine. Last time he gave me a song he sang; ” Dancing in the moonlight”. His voice was amazing. Unfortunately, I lost that music file. But last weekend, he ask me if I like any song. I ask why and he replied he wants to play the music and sang it to me. I gave him a list of songs and he promise me to practice that songs. Later that night, he  send me one file. Not one of the list i gave, but he sang a song I used to like ; Beautiful Girl.

His voice was good. I love to hear it. Everyday I listen to the song he sang. I wish he could record one full song instead of just one “rangkap”. So far he has been a very good friend to me. I think I will let it be this way. No need to meet or etc.

Thank you for everything. I really appreciate you as a friend of mine.

You’re way too beautiful girl
That’s why it’ll never work
You’ll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it’s over
Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do your dirt
They’ll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it’s over

*wink wink*

.unappreciated.

Biar sahaja diri ini sendirian

aku pelik,

mengapa aku seperti orang di awangan,

sungguh aku jarang berperasaan begini,

perasaan tidak dihargai,

mungkinkah ini karma?

abaikan!

tetapi..

mengapakah perasaan ini masih ada?

aku cuba endahkan, cuba sedaya upaya.

dan aku tahu aku mampu.

biarkan sahaja dia tak hargai.

tapi aku tetap aku..

akan cuba menghargai semua kurnian Tuhan.

” Paling penting dalam hidup bukanlah perhatian dari manusia,

perhatian dari Tuhan itu yang paling utama”

unnoticed

18/05/08′

Today is the big day for Kak Ieja, my cousin sister. Anyway, i think everything went well. Agak penat disitu but its okay bukan selalu.. Mostly, my aunties were saying when will be my turn plak? haha,wateva laa.. when Im ready, the time will come ryte?

Early this morning, I was wondering will he be there? My cousin’s fren and my ex- neighbor  at Setiawangsa. Since Ive chated with him last week so I thought he would recognize me, at least..

But..it was just a thought! haha..

Its funny when I saw him and tried to get his attention, erm.. I mean at least look and smile. But none.. He dont even NOTICE me,gosh! It certainly feels bad, maaan..

Agak kebengangan di situ but watevaa laa..

I just dont care, coz thinking bout it back makes me feel stupid.

“To be ignorant of one’s ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.”

Mother’s Day

Yesterday is a Mother’s day. I was not in a good mood this weekend.

This is all my fault, which i blame it on others to take the fault. The worst part is, i put my anger on my mum. How derhaka i am, like Afiq said. The words really stabbed me. Coming from him makes me feel ashame. I should knew that from the very beginning. Yes, I knew it but I ignore my faith about the Heaven is under a Mother’s feet. I was carried away with my emotional without thinking on how my mom will feel. I just dont care at that time. I was to angry. Satan has overpowered my emotional and ego.

Mother,

I never had any niat to do that. I was so angry. I am in a stress mood this weekend. I dont want to tell u how stress I am with my performance in class, my results which is dropping one by one. I dont want u to be worried about me but mother..who else should i share my problems besides u? U’re the most trusted and understanding person in my life.

Mother,

Remember when I replied rudely when u didnt give me the permission to go to Cherating? You said I was running away form my problems, like I used to. Yes, I am. I replied. Because its too hard for me to let others knowing me, understanding my problems. I just need my own time, my own space to settle it all alone. You said I was wrong, but at that moment I just cant accept any blame. I need someone to comfort me, someone to be with me. You’re all leaving me alone at house. Thinking back, maybe dad thought I was tired. Its wrong, the most important thing I wanna do is be with all of you, my family. Yes, we had a miscommunication. There’s too much maybe and probability without confronting it to each other. This is the result, I am mad on my own.

Mother,

You knew how stress I am with my previous relationship. You said it was a test from God. Do you know, I only tell you my true feelings? How I felt after this broke up. No one knew. My expectation was high. Yes, you comfort me well enough when we had lunch at KLCC. But mother, I want more. I dont have anybody to talk to except you. Yes, i was jealous with the other siblings when they get the attention more than you gave to me. I tried to “mengalah”. I know, im the eldest. You and daddy had give the fullest attention to me, I cant deny that. Maybe, because ive been getting the more than enough attention before and I tend to want the same or more attention from u guys. Which now i realize its wrong. I should be independent. Afiq told me, you dah besar byha, act like one. Syafiq also mention that no matter what, I should not act like dis to my mother. I regret it mother, I am.

Mother, I love you alot. Please Forgive me. But I just need time to forgive myself back. I am grateful that God has given you as my mum. A patient mum and indeed the most understandable mom. You’re my mother and bestfriend.

Happy Mothers day, MAMA.

Lots of luv,

ur daughter <3

ekspresi

Rabu, 9 april, 2008

Penuh dgn bermacam-macam emosi. Tenang ada, marah ada, penat ada, malas ada, blurr ada dan etc etc etc. Dari semalam lagi, ku bermonolg sendirian ” aku penat, aku letih dgn tanggungjawab”. Tapi adakah aku punya pilihan samada mahu lakukan atau tidak. tidak sama sekali. This is the responsibility i have to hold. Bukan sekadar pegang malah aku harus laksanakan. setiap hari aku sentiasa rasa bersalah kerana tidak menjaga sepenuhnya amanahku sebagai hamlatul Qur’an. aku lemah. aku sentiasa dibawa arus dan dipukul ombak lalu hanyut ke sisiran pantai. aku perlukan seseorang untuk membimbing ku. Bukan kataku ibubapa ku tidak cukup, bukan sama sekali. hanya, aku yg jahil. aku yg sentiasa degil. ingkar akan nasihat ibu mahupon ayanda.

Aku anak sulong. Ini adalah lagi satu tanggungjawab besar yang aku pikul. menjaga adik2 dan memberi contoh yg baik. kadang kala aku sentiasa terlepas cakap dan kata2 itu penah sekali memakan diriku. DUA TAHUN adikku tak mahu bertegur dgn ku. Alhamdulillah, kini dia sudah mula membuka ruang komunikasi antara kami. Itu satu nikmat yg aku bersyukur teramat. betul kata pujangga ” Air dicincang tak akan putus”. Ini adalah Amanah aku yg kadang kadang buatku beban tapi aku pasrah.

Sehari dua banyak buatku berfikir akan tanggungjawab. aku sentiasa mengomel bila disuruh oleh ibuku untuk mengambil adik di sekolah, tolong photostat kan surat2 adikku, membeli makanan, jaga adik2 dan lain lain. kadang kadang aku rasa letih. tapi kerana aku anak sulong aku terima. memikirkan ketika kecil dahulu, ibubapa ku yang lakukan semua ini dan sekarang tiba masa aku mengambil alih tugas mereka. aku sedar, ini hanyalah sedikit jika nak dibandingkan apa yg mereka lakukan. oleh itu aku akur dgn nasibku. Petang tadi, setalah pulang ke rumah aku jumpa sepucuk surat untukku. daripada seseorang yg terlalu meminati ku walaupon telah ku katakan aku tidak suka padanya. aku meluat melihat tulisannya lalu aku bakar. aku tidak kejam! dia yg kejam sentiasa menyeksa dirinya sendiri. telah berulang ulang kali ku katakan hidup harus ke depan. Bunga bukan sekuntum tapi dia tetap berdegil. aku pohon ya Allah satu hari tutuplah hatinya dari ku, bukakan untuk seseorang yg layak bgnya. aku bukan kejam kerna suka melihat org tergila2 kn ku. aku kasihan! Setelah itu, aku naik ke kamar lantas mengambil sejambak bunga mawar yg sudah layu di atas meja ku dan membuangnya. aku mahu ke depan dan hilangkn rasa bersalahku terhadap Baem. aku juga pasti dia mahuku lakukan begitu. Aku letih dgn perasaan bersalah ini. aku mahu lepas dr segala perasaan yg menggangu hidup ku. cukup la Respiratory system’s Block aku jatuh dgn teruknya. Lepas cuti, aku berazam akan perbaiki keputusan aku. ada 2 block lagi dan aku takkan putus asa. Pergilah semua rasa bersalah dan penat. bangunlah! ini hidupmu, daripada meng-komplen alangkah bagusnya jika maju ke

hadapan!!

“I am tired of responsibilities but I will never abandon it”

berakhir juga

Dis post was created on March 30,2008 taken from my previous blog.

Akhirnya, ia berakhir.

Antara aku dan dia.

Ini yg ku minta dan ia akhirnya menjadi kenyataan. aku pasrah, aku redha. aku dan dia belum sampai jodoh lagi atau mungkin kami mmg tidak pernah ada jodoh. Benar, jodoh memang di tangan Tuhan tapi adalah tanggungjawab kita samada mahu memilih atau tidak. Semalam aku mengambil keputusan untuk tidak memilihnya.

Mengapa?

Kerana aku belum bersedia untuk memberi sebarang komitmen. aku masih lagi mementingkan diri sendiri dan aku tidak tahan melihat dia terseksa melayan perasaan seorang diri. aku sudah puas berasa kejam. aku mahukan dia bahagia dengan hidupnya yang mungkin akan lebih baik setelah aku pergi dari hidupnya. aku mahukan kebahagian untuk dia. aku harap dia akan ketemu seorang yg boleh bersama2 menjalani kehidupan penuh tarbiyah bersamanya kelak.

Adakah aku menyesal?

Tidak, aku tidak menyesal akan perbuatan ku melepaskan seorang yg hampir sempurna sifat sebagai seorang muslim soleh. He deserve someone better than me. someone who treat him well. dan aku? biarlah aku sendirian buat seketika. Aku percaya pada kata2 Tuhan, manusia dijadikan berpasangan. org baik adalah utk org yg baik shj. mungkin ini adalah opportunity utk aku menjadi seorang yg lebih baik lagi, amiin.

Semua dlm kenangan.

Walaupun banyak kenagan pahit dan manis antara aku dan dia. tapi percayalah, akan ku simpan segala kenangan manis. I will always remember all the good things bout u. kamu adalah seorang yg baik dan aku tidak patut melayan kamu sebegitu. tapi, aku hanyalah manusia yg mempunyai perasaan juga. maafkan aku, i mean it.

Ingkar

Disaat cinta tercipta
Semestinya ku merasa
Dikala hasrat mendalam
Semestinya ku ???

Dari hati kini kusadari
Tak semestinya kuberkasih
Jika hati tak dapat berbagi
Baiknya rasa itu tersimpan dalam
Semestinya aku mencinta
Seharusnya aku menyayang
Oh maafkan jika semua ini yang kuberikan
Untukmu

Dari hati kini kusadari
Tak semestinya kuberkasih
Jika hati tak dapat berbagi
Baiknya rasa itu tersimpan dalam

Dari hati kini kusadari
Tak semestinya kuberkasih

” Sometimes things happen without a reason that we know”